There’s a saying that sort of goes, “Grab the opportunity”. Today, I feel as if I grabbed the opportunity and, as I reached for it, tripped and fell on my face.
I will know by next week whether or not that opportunity is still in my hand or if it slipped away during the fall.
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
***
Spring is in the air and it seems appropriate to read poetry. This is one of my favorite love sonnets from Pablo Neruda, translated by Stephen Tapscott. I was not raised by the backdrop of Isla Negra with its salt-rose or topaz anything. I was raised on another kind of beauty - this intense green all around. Deep green above us on the midsummer trees, brighter green below us on the lawn, old earthy forest green down by the river valley and overgrown weeds that entwines itself around homes. I look outside and everything is fresh. Soon the children will come running out without shoes, herbs will be planted, and I will be reading outside on my deck: wrapped in a thin shawl, daydreaming about springtime and carnations.
I took these pictures of Will and I shortly after we were dropped off by Dean and Ashia. We watched tv and chilled for a bit, waiting until Forrest picked us up for the upcoming party at Bryce’s. It was a potluck and we still haven’t bought our foodstuffs for the party. All we had ready was a bottle of rum that I was to use to set my fried bananas on fire.
We knew it was going to be a gong show.
15 Hours Before: Sleepover with Dean
At first I thought I saw impending doom of sorts. He kept jokingly saying things online to me on how he’ll snag some of my stuff and try to entice Will by provocatively cooing at him, “Let’s do each other’s hair!” Instead, it was a night where we forced Ashia to watch an episode of Arrested Development and we played Rock Band. We called ourselves, “Lunchbox of Hippopotamus”.
Our metaphoric selves are pretty hot. (We needed to earn more money to get Ashia’s character new pants though.)
The next day, I made breakfast for the boys of french toast, juice, and fruit. The whole day was going to be improvised so we had no set plan. After dropping Will off at the Industrial Design studios, Dean and I walked about the University.
We later met up with Ashia where we treated ourselves with Vietnamese subs ($3 of wholesome goodness) and bubble tea (thanks Ash!). We chatted and hung around Whyte Ave, finishing off our lunch while enjoying the warm weather underneath the gazebo.
Then we spotted a green and yellow polka-dotted structure.
The BBQ Party
Bryce and I hosted the Ultimate Games Night & BBQ, an event that originally started as a small party amongst close friends, but with the suggestion from Bryce to invite some new blood, it quickly swarmed into a party of approximately 16 people at any given time of the night.
Why did we decide to host a barbecue in the later hours of the evening? I don’t know.
Plenty of foodstuffs were prepared and eaten. For once I was busy socializing and introducing people and cooking myself, that I had no time to take food pictures of the wonderful dishes. Will brought $10 worth of chocolate almonds; Forrest brought rum and half of my dessert stuffs; I brought ingredients for banana fosters; Catherine brought this wonderful salmon and salad; Niru brought butter chicken; Bryce brought steaks and shells; Dan brought a fruit platter and won everyone’s affections for providing fruit snacks (dino shaped!); and Dean and Steph made kabobs that everyone nibbled on as the evening wore on.
More pictures of the night can be seen here.
There was always something to do whether it was Trivial Pursuit 90s, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Rock Band, Settlers of Catan, or meeting new people. But in the end, there was Dance Dance Revolution.
I didn’t eat breakfast the next day until it was well into 3pm in the afternoon.
Two weeks left. Just two weeks left. Those two phrases have almost become a mantra for me. After a bad day, I repeat them over and over when I need to refocus myself at the task at hand. The real problem at the moment is focusing.
Right now, I want to be outside to feel the rising temperature of the warm sun through my closed eyelids. I want to breathe in the fresh still-chilled air early in the morning. I want to run and twirl on the pavements, hear my shoes stomp on the concrete. I want to feel seasoned, taut, muscles ready to dance.
Yet I am this frump, this disgusting, dark, tired, dreary existence where I scramble to and fro like a sniveling rat: eyes watery, nose runny, and throat congested. I lack sleep and, worse, I lack proper nutrition. (For the record, I finished off two packages of Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies in three days.) And for the past week, I’ve been having hard time fighting apathy towards my studies.
Then again, I am sick.
Whenever I feel this sick and tired, my mind turns itself into a carnival mirror and I see something much uglier than I ever could imagine: I’m haggard and bloated, like Golem from Lord of the Rings. What’s worse is that my cough doesn’t seem to be going away. I am one step closer to hack out “Golem, golem” instead of running into the hills, singing, arms outstretched in the graceful manner of Maria from The Sound of Music. And as each day goes by, not one day of health in sight, I get uglier and uglier while everyone around me seems to become much more beautiful. It has come to the point where I am jealous of the garbage bins.
I need a break. I walked into HMV with the intention of buying Battlestar Galactica season 3 as a treat to myself, but found it expensive at $44.99. Instead, I bought Arrested Development season 1 (on sale for $24.99), another package of soft Chewy Chips Ahoy and decided to call it a night.
I want to be pampered today, thank you very much. I feel very ugly and right now I just want to be self-indulgent and to be showered with compliments and reassurance that everything is alright. I will give the garbage bins a good thrashing tomorrow morning.