Ah yes, so cometh the one year mark for my relationship with Matty. Now, I know Matty pretty well. First, we’ve been good acquaintances that became close friends for 3-4 years before we actually started dating a year ago today.
Now that one year has passed, I think it’s time for me to reveal a not-so-shocking-truth: I am so much cooler than Matty. Now now, I know that Matty will see this; he’s probably shaking his head right now, or laughing in his cubicle while thinking that this is a falsehood. But this is nothing but the truth.
Because he’s can calculate math problems in his head, he thinks he’s soooo much better than me. In reality that is far from the truth and is true only in his crazy little mind. Everyone knows (except him) and agrees (again, except for him) that I’m damn cool. He can calculate math problems from algebra to calculus to fluid mechanics in a snap with a lot of the calculations done in his head. In fact, he probably could have been to MIT. But I’d like to point out that it’s called an INSTITUTE for a reason. It’s one place where they could put all the math crazies in. You don’t brag about your math skills, you get institutionalized. Hospitalized. It is a sickness! Oh, and he was asked ONCE to come by to this model agency. He mentioned it to everyone that day. Bah!
I guess I could help him out and write down a list of all the things I like about Matty, but I came out short-listed and, well, blank. Instead, I will provide you, dear reader, a list of things I DISLIKE about dear Matty. It was quite long so I have taken the best points and written them here:
1. Matty is too tall. Everytime I try to kiss him I have to tip toe to reach his CHEEK. Sometimes I miss and I end up kissing him in the chin or neck. There is much damage to my calves. For shame!
2. Matty is indecisive. I am indecisive. How we have managed to retardly function together this long, who knows?
3. Matty is TOO GEEKY. He keeps himself informed of the latest events though BBC news and other news reels but never tells me the interesting bits. (Like the Sudan man who married a goat!). Instead I pretend to listen but really, I’m just watching him play Neopets. Oh, and I can’t play my video games alone anymore. He must play them with me as well — EVEN ONE PLAYER GAMES!
(Frick, he buys me geeky gifts! Instead of flowers and chocolate, I get a 1GB flashcard and Final Fantasy 12~! BAH! He might claim that FF12 is his, but in reality, it’s mine. I’m sure he bought it for me since he doesn’t even OWN a PS2!)
4. Matty listens TOO well. He’ll notice my speech idiosyncracies and make fun of them, even it’s a year-old joke. For example, “-Ish”. “It’s around 8-ish, in the University-ish area, right ANA? RIGHT?” Yeah, yeah. Or if I mention I like a certain shirt or like his hair a certain way, he’ll make note of it. Talk about creepy!!
5. Matty is there all the time. No longer can I go on a rampage if I’m having a bad day. Gone are the days of utter misery where I sit around eating ice cream and all things that will rot my teeth. He’s always there!
6. Matty likes cats. I am/was slightly allergic to them. He says he doesn’t and makes a show of chasing his cats away, but leave him alone with Mittens and he begins to coo. He has a special CAT VOICE! “Hey, muffy-wuffy-fluffy”. How unmanly of him.
7. Matty compliments me and unshamefully grabs or pinches me in public! I, at least, check him out in secret. Matty has no shame and no awareness of his creepy factor.
8. Matty gets along with my friends. Gone are the days of friend hording. I no longer can call them “my friends” as they are now “our friends”. I would just like to say that I found them first, they are mine.
9. Matty likes to scare or tickle the bejeebus out of me. I don’t like being scared or tickled as I am very sensitive. Yet, he will scare me in my store and in my own condo! That’s right Matty, keep being creepy. You think it’s funny, don’t you?
10. Lastly, I dislike how Matty can make me laugh. And not just sparingly, ALL THE TIME. And not just tee-hee, how quaint funny — LAUGH OUT LOUD FUNNY. Heck, he’ll watch the COmedy network with me. (Even though I’d prefer it to be on Spike for my CSI.) It makes it very hard for me to get rid of him.
In the end, I guess Matty’s not too bad. There are some days when I just want to kill him — relationship hiccups they call it — but after a good while I realize that the only thing I love to kill is time. I wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone else but him.
And on occasion, the Pineapple Society members. Who should be barfing or gagging on the cheesiness of this post.
BACIONI!