Tonight has gotten me thinking more into my future. I went to a Stitch & Bitch meeting, which is a really cool little knitting circle. My sister, Lea, told me about it and I, with nothing to do tonight, decided to go and I enjoyed my time there. It also sparked something in me, though I’m unsure whether or not it’s inspiration or some much needed soul-searching.
Amanda, who organized the Stitch & Bitch, and Lea are very much alike. They are both in their twenties, self-driven, indepedant, talented women who are very much in charge of their careers. While Amanda is already her own company, my sister is about to embark on her own design company. I can’t help but be in awe of these two. Why? Because they know what they want and nothing seems to stop them in getting it.
I don’t know what I want.
Those who know me well know that, although I can be focused, hard-balled, and driven, I am also easily defeated in any sign of self-doubt and, when down, it’s hard for me to get back up again. I would sulk for a good while, get my fighting spirit back up again, and the cycle continues. I’m very unfocused. My sister tells me that I should find out all the things that drives me and just keep focusing my energies on those things. I should take a winner’s attitude and be relentless in getting what I want. But,
What should I focus my energies on?
What is it that I do?
As soon as I have a goal in mind, I know that I could do it; I just don’t know what that goal is. My current goal is a bit hazy: Go to Japan and perfect your Japanese. My next question is, Why? For what purpose do I want to perfect Japanese?
And after a lot of thinking and racking my brain for an answer, I thought of this:
I don’t know.
I don’t know. That’s the best thing I could think of. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do with my Japanese and why I want to perfect the Japanese language. I love learning Japanese. I find the language, the culture, and the people very interesting. I love talking to people. I love entertaining people. I also like clothes, singing, and being in the spotlight. I like to read books — in both English and Japanese — and I also enjoy writing small things here and there. Other than that, I am at a loss of what talents I can integrate with my Japanese language skills to create a career.
For a while, because I’ve been getting myself involved in retail and selling, I’ve been dreaming of clothes and make-overs and my own store, etc. In some way, in the back of my mind, I’ve been thinking of going into a sewing course somewhere and get involved in fashion and designing. I guess, in some way, I do have a creative streak due to the “Alcantara” genes and my sister being a designer and all. I’ve been dreaming about this one thing lately (and I blame Project Runway): owning my own little clothes store in Japan that carries my own houseline as well as Canadian brand clothes and accessories. Or, owning a little store here that carries some Japanese brands of clothes and accessories and my own houseline.
May be this is a little sign telling me to start creating again? May be this is the “new thing” that I’ve been waiting for to try and I’m just hesitant to try it? May be I could go back into sewing as a hobby and pursue it a bit? I don’t know.
What is it that I do?
May be the problem is that I don’t do anything. So this is the “new thing” that I want to try out. I’ll think about it some more before I begin throwing money and time into another one of my whimsical ideas.
Scathing Comments
I think I’m a bit of a shit disturber. So, an acquaintance of mine, Cori, who also happens to be a good friend of Kristine and Mariko, wrote an entry that I disagree with. And I wrote a comment, which was a bit scathing in retrospect, and she replied back:
You have some nerve to attack my personal thoughts and feelings on my own personal blog, which I never invited you to read in the first place. You are certainly entitled to think what you’d like, but in the future, please keep it to yourself - if you are capable of that.
My ”relationships with people and what they give me”, is none of your business. I don’t expect everyone to know the inner depths and workings of my soul, but I think it’s my right to reflect on my own parents and relationships with them without being judged by someone who’s opinion is so worthless to me. In fact, rather than telling me to say ‘”Thanks” and move on’, why don’t you take some time to reflect on yourself and on how you make people feel.
Now in my defense to her comment, the internet is a public forum. One doesn’t need an invitation to randomly find a blog — personal or otherwise — and read it. The internet, like the newspaper, is a forum of opinions. That’s why people blog. That’s why people comment. It’s a method to share opinions.
I am capable of choosing to keep opinions to myself as well as I am capable of choosing to disclose opinions to others. The keyword: choose. I select and choose what to write on my blog while aware of the audience that may be reading my material. (Hell — the Japanese department is fully aware of my blog!) If I choose to write something more personal, I will — it’s my prerogative. However, it’s naive to believe that no one, but “invited” people, is going to read these entries. People who read these will have their own opinions and their own judgements who will voice them if they choose to, like a newspaper. If she didn’t want to be put on the spotlight, she shouldn’t have walked into it.
Now, I’ve pushed some buttons and an apology is in order. Why? Because I sounded scathing and I think I have publically humiliated her in her own turf. So I decided to write an apology in my own turf, recognizing the wrong I did:
Cori,
I’m sorry. If I made your reflections on your birthday worse than what it already was and if you thought what I did was out of line, I’m very sorry.
Some of you might be thinking, “Why apologize online?” Well, it began as a blog commentary feud and I think it should end as a blog commentary feud.